Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 3 AM.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 10, 2021
My 4yo asked why we don’t get other people to cook our meals, clean our house and drive us around and I think she just invented being rich
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) October 14, 2021
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 13, 2021
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 9, 2021
what i think i will do with extra time: exercise, read a book, clean my house, take kids on a fun adventure
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) October 12, 2021
what i actually do: scroll the same 4 apps on my phone til im late to make dinner
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
— 🎃Mummy Fearest🎃 (@mommeh_dearest) October 11, 2021
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
My child that just screamed at me for 15 minutes to go away is now screaming for me to come lay down with him, parenting is fun
— Yard Dad (@IAmYardDad) October 14, 2021
Shout-out to toddlers.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) October 11, 2021
Seriously, it's the only way to get them to listen.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) October 14, 2021
When I forget about the little makeover my kids gave me and leave to run errands pic.twitter.com/olqYE6Ynxk
— Yelisa (@motherplaylist) October 12, 2021
If you like being told by your kid at 7:25 that he has to be At School by 7:40, teen parenting may be for you!
— (((Princess of Whales))) (@PrincesaBallena) October 13, 2021
It’s just not a big deal, said my clearly delusional husband when he switched the kid’s lunch boxes
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 14, 2021
11-year-old: That outfit looks nice.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 14, 2021
Me: Thanks.
11: Just not on you.
it's always my fault that my kids shoes are always lost. at least this is what 6 believes with every fiber of his being.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) October 11, 2021
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
— meghan (@deloisivete) October 11, 2021
Parenting is about having open communication with your kids, mostly through a closed bathroom door.
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) October 13, 2021
Pretty ironic that the fact that my daughter is expected to dress in a different theme each day for anti-violence and drug awareness weeks at school makes me want to both commit violence and do drugs.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 15, 2021
My daughter is telling me what she would buy if she was in charge of the grocery shopping. So far it’s been 47 snack cake brands and deviled eggs
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) October 12, 2021
Me when my first kid was in kindergarten: *wore slippers to pick up on accident*
— Mama Needs A Coke (@MamaNeedsACoke) October 11, 2021
Me when my fourth kid was in kindergarten: *wore slippers to pick up on purpose*
Aquaphor is the Frank’s hot sauce of parenting world
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 11, 2021
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don't make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) October 10, 2021
my daughter kept trying to interrupt my work call to tell me something so I put my boss on hold to listen to her (because that's called priorities) and then she forgot what she wanted to say (and that's called having kids)
— The Dad (@thedad) October 14, 2021